And the Shipping Forecast for today is...

Weather: Cromarty....southwesterly severe gale force 9 increasing storm force 10 imminent.
Activity: Mountain bike, 24.62km (trail), 1hr 56 mins in the saddle, 447ft ascent plus 6km trail run
Today's Tune: Couldn't hear it
Comment: More of a 'scream' really than a 'comment'..



It was bloody windy on land too. So why, as I lay in bed listening to panes of glass imploding on the greenhouse and the sound of ducks trying to wedge themselves under the tyre pond, I thought it'd be fine to cycle into work this morning I'm still not sure....it may have had something to do with the bright sunshine beaming positively through the curtains or lack of food/coffee in my system causing brain system malfunction... but I can say, about 5 minutes into the morning commute, when I got to the point I was pedalling hard enough to actually probably take off under normal conditions, I was in fact going nowhere.

At this point I threw down the bike, kicked it, kicked a fence post and screamed.


Forty-seven thigh burning, skin stripping, soul destroying minutes and later I was at work performing my now routine transformation from mud encrusted freak into something a bit more presentable whilst stuffing porridge down my throat like there was no tomorrow. Five hours of food, laughter and a lot of carb loading (snacking...) later and I had, like the pain of childbirth, forgotten the anguish of my ride in and decided a quick 3 mile run was in order. I am after all, in 'training' now. You...you at the back in hysterical laughter...stop it!

More-minutes-than-I-care-to-remember of running into a brick wall later, I fell to my knees 3km from work, kicked a fencepost and screamed.

I ran back, notching up a total of 6km (ye gods I have a lot of work to do!), to the safety of the shop where I was resuscitated by fruit cake and a large mug of tea...but I still had to get home...

It was at this point my brain kicked into excuse mode (years of perfecting and executing my excuses have honed my ability to switch from 'keen' to 'couch potato' in 2 seconds flat).

• If I leave the bike and catch the bus, I only have a mile to walk to the house. Only problem is, then I have to rely on bus in the morning to get me to bike shop where I am working all day. Bus will not turn up, I will be late and Bike Boss will not be receptive to Idea regarding New Road Bike.
• If I leave the bike and catch the bus, walk the mile to the house and then get N to pick up my bike and bring it home then I don't have to rely on bus. But I will be in debt to N. He will use his powers against me and I shall be forced to help him clean out the septic tank or something equally as miserable.
• Phone friendly local chemist/lift share and ask if possibly can cadge lift to end of track. Ah, no, still then reliant on bus in morning.
• Hint at friend (a mere 2 feet away) that I am beyond tired and hope friend offers to run me home (with bike). However friends husband is home and I know friend is desperate to see said husband and I will die of guilt if I am cause of extended separation.
• Stay at work and phone N to pick up from work. Ah, well no, N will not get here until 1.5 hours after shop shuts.

At this point it became painfully obvious I was in for in for an excruciating ride home. True to form, the wind had about turned so was once again blowing against me and any remaining hopes I had of being pushed home by said gale were dashed, along with my shins, against a tree as the wind funnelled itself down the narrow avenue of trees along the river until at one point, it reached such a crescendo that I could hear it over the soulful plinky plonking of Sigur Rós on my ipod. I attempted to fight back with some Prodigy but to no avail. I crawled over the doorstep an hour later, shutting the maelstrom out behind me, and sloped, defeated, into a hot shower.

N returns home 35 mins later and is understandably dubious as to reason for wife on the point of physical collapse as wind has gone completely as is now a very lovely balmy evening..

This evening I have watched all three episodes of Eddie Izzards Marathon Man, eaten half a trifle and decided that I am a pathetic excuse for a human being and have been pontificating and navel grazing for the past 2 months. This will not do. Tomorrow...or possibly Monday, I shall begin my quest in earnest.